“Why do you hang out with us? We’re losers!”
For a few months in the mid-2000s, I volunteered at a therapeutic home for young teens recently released from juvenile hall. I visited the facility twice a week for several months to lead a filmmaking workshop, working with selected participants to write and create a half-hour-long video ghost story.
Boys took turns directing, shooting video, acting, operating the microphone boom, and editing. As a group, they wrote the script and improvised the dialogue. Despite their outwardly confident demeanor, most had severe problems with self-esteem and were terrified to try something that tested them, like directing other kids or simply holding the video camera. The possibility of taking on responsibilities that tested them in front of the team made them more hesitant to take on the challenge.
Midway through the process, as they began to work together and trust that I was there for the right reasons, one boy turned to me and asked incredulously, “Why do you hang out with us? We’re losers!” At first, I was startled by the question, but I finally told him, “If you were losers, we couldn’t make this movie, could we?”
Is the book about Rich?
Self-esteem and self-confidence are at the heart of “Getting What I Deserve.” I’ve been asked if this is based on my personal experience. Some readers have felt so personally invested in the story that they’re sympathetic to Charlie and resentful of Mark.
I would never describe myself as having been bullied—certainly not to the extent that Charlie endured. I experienced some bullying incidents and experiences, but I never felt as if I was isolated and friendless. From my adult perspective, I was more typical than I imagined at the time. A bit quirky, perhaps, and not conflict-free, but not the kid that everyone would gang up on. When I heard about or witnessed bullying, I was terrified that it would happen to me.
But I wasn’t a hero, either. For a time, fear kept me from stepping forward to defend bullied kids, thinking that if I put myself on the line, things might go wrong—a belief I can see today was largely unfounded. I sometimes befriended loners, but I also betrayed someone’s trust for no other reason than to insulate myself from perceived bullying. It wasn’t one of my proudest moments. Years later, to his credit, he confronted me and told me what a horrible person I’d been to him.
I also struggled with toxic friendships. Friendships evolve and change when you’re a teenager. Sometimes, friends inexplicably become enemies. For a while, it’s hard to know who’s a friend and who isn’t. And it’s hard to understand why. As children, we believe that the world revolves around us. As teenagers, we want to believe the world revolves around us. As adults, we (usually) realize that the world doesn’t revolve around us and that hostility from another individual has more to do with their personal issues than the situation at hand. Charlie realizes that Mark’s bullying behavior isn’t about him at all—it’s about Mark’s parents.
So, Who is Charlie?
Charlie’s story isn’t biographical or even semi-biographical. It’s an interpretation of experiences and observations I had while growing up as I navigated friendships and slowly developed a healthy sense of self. I hope that young readers realize that once you believe in yourself and understand who you are, it doesn’t matter what people think of you.
The title of “Getting What I Deserve” represents Charlie’s growth from an awkward boy wholly convinced that his immaturity and awkwardness somehow made him deserving of abuse to a boy who realizes that he deserves to be treated with respect and shouldn’t accept anything less.